, not this time around.

[maeson nichole ryan.]

LOOKING SO INNOCENT I
MIGHT BELIEVE YOU IF I DIDN'T KNOW



could have loved you all my life

if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

[/i]

it was approximately ten fifty in the evening on a friday night, and maeson wasn't really in the mood to go anywhere. really, she hadn't been in the mood to do anything lately. she'd just wanted to sit around and write her songs. she needed to do that, though. sometimes a girl just needs to vent, you know? and jason hadn't really been leaving her alone, even after she'd moved to ohio and he was still in tennessee. he'd call her nonstop, every night, leaving her messages still apologizing and saying he loved her and all that shit she didn't want to hear. and she didn't need to hear it. he'd send her text messages, and those were worse because she couldn't ignore them.

and you know what, after hearing it thousands of times used in a time and in a situation that it didn't mean anything, she didn't even believe the word meant any more than any other word. it was just a word to her now. she'd heard it all before, she'd heard 'i'm sorry' more times than she could handle, and you know what? she was done. he wasn't sorry. even if he was, he shouldn't have to be, because he shouldn't have done it in the first place. she shouldn't have to say he was sorry or apologize or tell her that he loved her over and over just to win her back, which she was determined not to happen. she was determined not to let his charm win, not to let him get her back. he wouldn't get her back that easily. she didn't want him back. well, that was a complete lie, because she obviously still had feelings for him, but she didn't want to. that was the difference. she still loved him, but she was trying her best not to and she didn't want to and she just wanted to be done with him once and for all.

so she sat on her bed in her dorm room now, alone at the time, with her guitar in her lap. beside her sat a notebook with lyrics covering most of the page. she'd written it the previous night and part of tonight, and she wanted to try it out now. she knew that singing the songs that she wrote helped her vent even more than writing the songs, so she began to strum the first few chords she'd come up with for the tune. "all this time I was wasting hoping you would come around. i've been giving out chances everytime and all you do is let me down. and its taking me this long but baby i figured you out, and you think it will be fine again but not this time around. you don't have to call anymore. i won't pick up the phone. this is the last straw, don't want to hurt anymore, and you can tell me that you're sorry but i won't believe you, baby, like i did before. you're not sorry no more, no more, no. looking so innocent, i might believe you if i didn't know. could have loved you all my life, if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold. and you got your share of secrets and i'm tired of being last to know. and now youre asking me to listen, cause its worked each time before. " she could feel tears welling in her eyes, and she fought them back. she was giving this song as much as she'd given him, and she sang it with as much meaning as she had when she had said 'i love you' to him for the first time.

"b

[/i][/b][/color][/size]ut you don't have to call anymore. i won't pick up the phone, this is the last straw. don't want to hurt anymore. and you can tell me that you're sorry but i don't believe you, baby, like i did before. you're not sorry, no no no noo. you're not sorry, no nooo. you had me calling for you honey and it never would have gone away, no, you used to shine so bright, but i watched our love fade. so you don't have to call anymore, i won't pick up the phone. this is the last straw, theres nothing left to beg for. and you can tell me that you're sorry but i don't believe you, baby, like i did before. you're not sorry, no nooo. you're not sorry, no nooo. " she finished, breathless, and strummed the last few chords of the song. once she was finished, she let out a shaky sigh and ran her fingers through her hair, her hand shaking as well. she put her palms over her face and her body was shaking, she tried to breathe normally and finally succeeded...kind of. her breaths were still a little shaky, and she jumped at the sound of her cell phone ringing. ringing...to that ring tone that jason had set it to. all those months back. maeson pulled her hands from her face and wiped her cheeks, annoyed with herself for crying. she hated crying. it made her feel like a little kid, like she couldn't handle herself. she let out a shaky breath before picking her phone up, staring at the picture that was flashing on the screen of her and him together. she flared her nostrils and clicked the button to ignore the call, then through her cell phone at her pillow, pretty hard, too.

how was he allowed to do that? how was he allowed to pressure her to do something she didn't want, cheat on her because she wouldn't and when she does -- still cheat on her. and then call her and say he's sorry and he's stupid and he's still in love with her. it just didn't make sense to mae right now, and she shook her head and closed her eyes at the sound of her phone vibrating. a text message. she couldn't ignore it, she was a very curious girl, and she reached across her bed and picked her phone that she had just chucked with anger at her pillow up. new message from jason, it read. she shook her head but chose the 'view now' option. 'mae, baby, please listen to me! it's not my fault! she talked me into it! i'm sorry, i don't know what else to say! i love you, can't that just be enough? please, maeson! he actually didn't seem as charming when he was breaking down and begging for her to come back to him. he wasn't the older guy, the charmer, he was just a stupid guy that lost a great girl because he was too caught up with himself. she clicked reply and began to text out a message. no, jason. you're not sorry, you've never been sorry, and you need to learn that you don't get everything you want just because you're you. leave me alone. it's over. stop calling me. stop texting me. just stop.

she wanted to punch herself because she'd started crying again and hadn't realized it. she pressed send and threw her phone back at her pillow, laying down on her bed and putting her arm over her eyes. she took deep breaths, trying to calm herself, to stop crying. he wasn't worth it, she kept telling herself. 'don't cry for a guy, let a guy cry for you. because girls give and forgive, but guys get and forget. ' she'd forgotten which one of her friends in mansfield had told her that, but it meant a lot, and it was totally true. right now, she hated guys. what was the point, you know? someone ends up hurt, one way or another, so what was the point in even trying?

[/font]

tagged,, hayley nelson.
words,, dunnooo. too lazy to checkkk [:
outfit,, clickity click click, .
lyrics,, you're not sorry, taylor swift <3
notes,, this sucks and it's very melodramatic, haha.
[/blockquote][/blockquote] [/size][/color]

[hayley renae nelson]

How Can I Decide Whats Right

When Your Clouding Up My Mind?

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The red headed teen had been driving around the town for hours. She had nothing to do and was bored out of her mind. So she decided to take a ride around town. Plus, she enjoyed being in a car. She didn't know why, but she absolutely adored long car rides. Especially when she can listen to her music and think. She enjoyed that the most. She didn't care for when people talked to her, and this way she had an excuse. She was driving, so therefore she couldn't text. She smiled at the thought as she drove the car into the parking lot of the school. Her phone had been ringing and vibrating for a few minutes now. She knew it was probably, Hannah, calling and her sister or dad texting to see how she was doing, and plus a few friends from back home checking in with her.

She had the stereo crank and the song 'An Ocean Between'. A few people gave her nasty glares and some people just glanced over at the red head behind the wheel of the silver Chevrolet Montana. She put the truck into park and waited for the song to finish before turning the volume down and taking out the CD. She placed it in its case and placed it in the glove department. She grabbed her purse and took her keys out of the ignition and stepped out. Her fingers lightly pressing against the door to close it. She pressed the lock button and dropped the keys into her purse. Slender fingers reached for her cell phone and key chain again. She raised a brow, questioning her-self on why she put her keys in her purse.

She placed the keys into her back pocket and unlocked her phone and started listening to her voice mails. She passed a few 'preps' that of course giggled as one called her emo. She flicked them off and started up the stairs. She was use to being called emo, scene, goth, punk, and any other names the oh so intelligent preps could come up with. She gave a roll of her eyes. It did get old after awhile. She deleted each voice mail and then grabbed her keys out of her back pocket. Un-locking the door she slipped inside and kicked off her dunks. Her small feet padded on the carpet as she walked to her room. She threw her purse on her bed and went into the kitchen. She grabbed a water and sat on the couch and replied to all the text messages.

She then checked the time. "Holy shit." She muttered to her-self. She had been driving around for about three hours. She gave a shake of her head. Autumn eyes glanced over to where Maeson's room was. She heard sniffling. The curious teen raised a brow and pushed her petite body off the comfy sofa. She padded over to the girls room and gave a light knock before opening the door lightly. "Are you alright?" Hayley's soft vocals cooed. Her autumn gaze resting on Maeson who was crying on her bed.
-notes;ehh its crappy. and im messing around with my posting style. :]

[maeson nichole ryan.]

LOOKING SO INNOCENT I
MIGHT BELIEVE YOU IF I DIDN'T KNOW



could have loved you all my life

if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

[/i]

maeson sat up at the tap on her door, her hands instantly finding her eyes. she rubbed underneath them, brushing her tears off of her face and hopefully not screwing her makeup up anymore than it already was. she didn't cry very often, so she never really had a reason for that waterproof stuff, because it as just harder to get off at the end of the day. she blinked her tears back and looked up as her roommate entered. she forced a weak smile in her direction, though she didn't look her in the eyes. she pulled her feet from the ground and placed them on her bed, crossing them 'indian style' and placing her hands in her lap, where she twined and untwined her fingers over and over before hayley spoke.

the eighteen year old shrugged at her roommates question, not really seeking any attention, it's just that sometimes you just need to cry. just to get it out, and afterwards, you felt better. like you'd been holding it in for too long. maeson hated crying, she hated how tired you got after it. she also hated getting a headache afterward, which was usually the case with maeson. but she was usually tired enough after it to fall asleep, so it didn't matter that much. she found herself laughing, silently though. her shoulders shook and it might have looked like she was crying, but when she lifted her gaze to look at her roommate, she was smiling, even if it was a weak attempt. "not really," she sighed, shaking her head. she looked back down at her hands.

maeson was never the kind of girl that needed attention, and she normally didn't get that much. being the oldest in her family, she's easily forgotten because her parents are too focused on her younger siblings. not that she really minded, because she's never really liked attention. though, whenever she had someone's attention, she wasn't going to ignore it or try and refocus it, because she just didn't care. plus, she liked to talk, so...but it was different when you were talking about something personal, or singing, about something personal. it's difficult for maeson to have people listen to her music, listen to everything that's happened in her life, because it was personal. it was like reading your diary aloud to someone.

but wasn't that what made songs good? if the writer of the song wrote it from experiences they've had, not just that they've heard of or want to have. something that's actually happened to them, that's made them who they are today. maeson doesn't think what happened with jason changed her that much, other than her trust. she wasn't just going to let somebody have her love or her trust, because she wasn't sure anyone deserved it now. so she'd just keep it to herself. well, i guess that was a pretty big change. if they'd broken up like a normal couple just because she was moving, and she'd never had sex with him and he'd never cheated on her, then things could be a lot different. she wouldn't feel as hurt as she does, she wouldn't have lost her trust in guys, or people in general, and she probably wouldn't feel as shitty as she did at this time.

what was he doing now, she wondered. was sitting around his house writing love songs about maeson? was he crying every night because he felt hurt, betrayed, and whatever else she was feeling at this time? probably not. for all maeson knew, he was still with that girl he'd been with before. he didn't care about maeson, and he just wanted to make her hurt more by trying to get her back and to get her to forgive him. the chances of him just wanting her to hurt more are unlikely, but she couldn't understand why he would do that just to come crawling back to apologize over and over. he'd done enough, right?



tagged,, hayley nelson.
words,, dunnooo. too lazy to checkkk [:
outfit,, clickity click click.
lyrics,, you're not sorry, taylor swift <3
notes,, this is crappp, sorry!

[/size][/color]

[hayley renae nelson]

How Can I Decide Whats Right

When Your Clouding Up My Mind?

[/size][/color][/center]

Autumn eyes starred mindlessly at the wall before her. She always felt uncomfortable during moments like these. Even if it was her best friend. She never really knew what to do, to comfort the person. She gnawed on her bottom lip as she thought. Red hair spilling everywhere as the teen shook her head. She was zoning out and her vision was starting to go blurry. She still continued to gnaw on her lip. Her left hand holding down her hoodie as her right hand ran the zipper up and down. It was a way to keep her occupied. Plus, she always felt so awkward when she didn't have something to do with her hands. She started humming one of her songs as she waited to see what Maeson said.

Autumn eyes soon glanced over to Maeson. Not really. She raised a brow and looked back to the door. What was she suppose to say. She didn't know Maeson all to well to know what was wrong. "Uhm, whats wrong?" The teen hesitated the question. She might as well ask right? Its not like Maeson will come after her with a spork or something. Right? She smiled lightly at the thought. Getting chased around her dorm with a spork. She shook her head and concentrated on Maeson once more. She'd either say no and wouldn't tell or she'd start talking.

-note:HOLY CHEEZ-ITS. its really short. im extremly sorry. but im running low muse and lack of sleep haha. and i didnt wanna keep you waiting. i feel bad :[[/size]

[maeson nichole ryan.]

LOOKING SO INNOCENT I
MIGHT BELIEVE YOU IF I DIDN'T KNOW



could have loved you all my life

if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold

[/i]

maeson let out a long sigh, running her fingers through her blonde, curly hair. at the time, her hair wasn't very curly. she hadn't spent time curling it after school, like she would if she was going somewhere tonight. she had before school, so it was curlier than it would be without the use of her curling iron. though her hair was naturally curly, it was often wavy and not curly enough. it was either too straight or too curly, never perfect, and maeson was a little bit of a perfectionist when it came to those little things. especially cleanliness or how things were in order. her room at the time was very organized, almost unbelievable for a teenage girl. she'd always been a bit of a neat freak. everything had to be organized, especially in her bedroom. when she was angry or upset, she'd organize her bedroom, not that it really needed anymore organization. so she'd tried to organize her room some more earlier that night, but she ended up working on her song because there was nothing left for her to clean.

it wasn't that writing her song wasn't what she wanted to do, because it was. it always helped her get past things and it definitely calmed her down when she needed it. cleaning was just a way for her hands to move, but it left her mind to wander. when she was writing a song or playing and singing it, she had to use her hands as well as her head, and it was better for getting your mind off of something. when she needed to think, that's when she cleaned. she hated when her hands were empty, she needed to be holding onto something or touching something, doing something with her hands. she moved her guitar from where it lay on it's side and in her lap so it was on it's back on her bed, pulling the strap over her shoulder and setting it down with her guitar. she'd had that guitar since she was thirteen, the day she came home and told her parents she wanted one of her own. she'd come home about a year older stating that she wanted one, period, and her father gave her his old one. it would have to do for then, and it didn't really make a difference to her as long as she learned how to play. maeson was the kind of girl that was best friends with her guitar, and knew that was what she needed when she was upset or down. she just needed to come home and play a few songs, or maybe write a new one.

singing was pretty much the same, and it came easier than playing the guitar, that was for sure. she'd always loved to sing, even as a little kid. she'd sing nursery rhymes with her mother or siblings, and she was just an all around happy child. she'd been in the school choir since the second grade, as well as an out of school girl's traveling choir. she'd also always loved to act, but singing and playing guitar, writing her own music -- all of that seemed to take over her acting. she'd been in almost all of her school plays since the third grade, at least one per year. the first one she was in, there was one singing solo in it -- but it was for a boy. so she dressed up as a boy, got the part in the play, and sang the solo. musicals were always more fun for maeson, because singing had always been an exciting thing for her.

she drew in a deep, shaky breath just before hayley spoke. uhm, what's wrong? her roommate asked. she could tell she felt awkward, and maeson knew she'd feel awkward spilling everything about jason to her, so she wouldn't tell her everything. besides, it wasn't really hayley's job to listen to that. she didn't have to dump all of her problems on her poor roommate. plus, mae didn't know hayley very well and wasn't sure if she should or could trust her with everything that had gone on with jason. she wasn't sure she wanted to mention that to anyone, because she'd been so excited when she moved to dublin because she could start over and all the kids at her high school wouldn't know her as jason's girlfriend, or now, jason's ex girlfriend. she didn't have to know that when she walked down the hall, she'd hear someone whisper to their friend as they opened their lockers, 'that's maeson ryan, jason's ex. he cheated on her, yeah, i know, i would've dumped him too,' or anything that they would say. she hated being talked about, she hated knowing people were talking about her, she hated everything about people knowing her personal business.

the eighteen year old girl nibbled on her bottom lip a little before deciding to speak. "ah, i just..hate guys, at the moment." she said with a long sigh, picking at the nail polish on her finger nails. she almost laughed at loud at what her toe nails look like right now: each toe was painted a different color because maeson just couldn't make decisions. she hated making them, and when she didn't have to, she didn't. and painting her toe nails was one thing she didn't have to decide, so she didn't. she liked all the colors she could paint them, so she just...painted them all those colors. it wasn't as if very many people would see her toes, anyway. it was getting cold, and she'd be stupid to wear flip flops or any type of sandals at this time of year.

tagged,, hayley nelson.
words,, 1,039
outfit,, clickity click click.
lyrics,, you're not sorry, taylor swift <3
notes,, nope, it's fine! its late, sorry, this could be way better.

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